I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
