if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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