You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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