Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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