I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
