So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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