Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
