My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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