so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
