insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
