where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
