During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Acid is not a monday night drug
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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