I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
