Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
