my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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