I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
