note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"