I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
