Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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