I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
