She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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