And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
