What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
