it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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