smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
