just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
