I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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