If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
