call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
