Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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