he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
