My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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