Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
