Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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