Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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