I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
