Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you win again, gameday.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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