Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
what day is it and did you see me today?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
