last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
