Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
