I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
