What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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