He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.