I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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