I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
