saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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