"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
