can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
