I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
