Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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