I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We were destined to go to rehab together
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
